Submission in Marriage
Submission is fundamental to Christian living and healthy relationships that honour God. However the concept of submission has been misunderstood and distorted by many people, including many well-meaning, sincere Christians.
The Bible teaches that our relationships should be characterised by humility, love and respect. These are the hallmarks of submission.
In humility consider other better than yourselves. Each should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3b-4
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honour one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10
Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. 1 Corinthians 10:24
Be kind and tender-hearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ, God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12
Biblical Submission in Marriage
What about submission in marriage?
In Ephesians chapter six, Paul instructs slaves to obey (hupakouete) their masters (Eph 6:5), and children to obey (hupakouete) their parents (Eph 6:1); but the word used in relation to wives in Ephesians 5:21-22 does not mean obey, but to be submissive (from hupotassō.) The New Testament does not teach that the relationship of a wife to her husband is one of obedience (despite the incorrect translation of Titus 2:5 in the KJV), but of submission. Furthermore, it’s not just the wives that should be submissive.
Hopefully this next bit is not too hard to follow . . .
In Peter’s first letter he tells all his readers to submit to every secular authority (1 Pet 2:13). Then
he tells slaves to submit to their masters (1 Pet 2:18). Then he tells wives, in the same way, be submissive to their own husbands (1 Pet 3:1). Then he says, “Husbands, in the same way live together with your wives . . .” (1 Pet 3:7).
The NIV adds the words “be considerate” in verse 7; but in the Greek, these words are not there. It simply says “in the same way live together with your wives”, implying submission from them also. Think about it. (Compare the very similar language in 1 Peter 3:1, 7 and 5:5.)
Just in case you think that last argument was a bit of a stretch, Ephesians 5:21-22 is similar, in that the Greek word for being submissive is mentioned in verse 21: “Submitting to one another”,but the word does not reappear in verse 22  when talking about wives; it is merely implied, just like in 1 Peter 3:7. [More on this in my article on Submission and Respect in 1 Peter 3:7-8 here.]
Moreover, the instructions in the Greek New Testament are for a wife to volunteer submission to her own husband (Eph 5:22; Titus 2:5; 1 Pet 3:1) Nowhere in Scripture does it teach or imply that women should submit to all men in general! Furthermore, the Scriptures never tell the
husband to make sure his wife is “in submission”. It is the wife’s prerogative. The command to the husband is to selflessly and sacrificially love and care for his wife! (Eph 5:25, 28, 33a; Col 3:19.)
Serving vs Ruling
The idea of a husband ruling his wife came as a consequence of sin entering the world (Gen 3:16b). However Jesus came to deal with sin and its consequences. Interestingly, the concept of a “ruling” husband is not picked up anywhere again in the Scriptures after Genesis 3:16; male authority is never put forward as an ideal in the Bible. Mutuality and equality are the ideal.
God’s ideal is for a husband and wife to have a harmonious, loving relationship where each partner serves and prefers the other, in an interdependent, mutually submissive, loving union (1 Cor 11:11-12). For some, submission is seen as weakness, but it takes a generous, secure and mature person to willingly and graciously submit. But what does the word “submission” really mean? And why did Paul and Peter instruct to wives to be submissive to their husbands?
Submission vs Rebellion
Perhaps the “submission” of wives encouraged by Paul and Peter in Ephesians 5:22, Colossians 3:18, Titus 2:5 and 1 Peter 3:1 should be seen simply as the opposite of rebellion?
The word submit (hupotassō) is used a couple of times in the Greek New Testament with an alpha privative prefix. (This prefix is equivalent to an English “un”, denoting the opposite, or more accurately, the absence or negation of something.) In this case, the alpha prefix is denoting the absence of submission. The KJV translates this particular word as “unruly” in Titus 1:6 & 10. The NIV translates it as “wild” (Titus 1:6) and “rebellious” (Titus 1:10). A very similar, related word is translated as “rebels” in 1 Timothy 1:9. Being unruly and rebellious is the opposite of Christ-like behaviour and undesirable in either men or women.
In her article, A Comprehensive Understanding of Wifely Submission, Catherine Clark Kroeger has pointed out that Polybius, a 2nd century BC politician and writer, used cognates of the word anupotassō (the opposite of hupotassō) ”to designate individuals who were not integrated into the group, dissociated from others, confused or difficult to comprehend. By contrast, he sometimes used hupotassō to indicate associations or relationships that led to greater understanding.” (Polybius Histories III.36.4; 38.4; V.21.4.) In the same article, Catherine Clark Kroeger writes that hupotassō has a broader range of meanings than just “submit”. It can also mean: “to support”, “join with”, “identify or associate with”, “behave responsibly toward” or “relate in such a way as to promote meaning and understanding”. All of these meanings fit very well with the concept of a healthy marriage.
Were Paul and Peter instructing wives to be supportive and loyal to their husbands, and to have the desire to create a meaningful marriage relationship?
Far from the oppressive submission that the church has demanded of even well-behaved women in the past (and present?), it seems that Paul and Peter were simply asking the wives not to alienate themselves from their husbands by being rebellious or resistant, but to remain faithful (Eph 5:33b). Paul and Peter explain that by being loyal and supportive, their unsaved husbands might be won over to the Christian faith, and also, the church would not get a bad name. It is very important to comprehend these evangelistic reasons behind Paul and Peter’s exhortation for submission! (See also 1 Tim 5:14; Titus 2:4-5 cf 1 Tim 6:1.) Moreover, wifely submission in a 1st century Greco-Roman context, especially where one partner is an unbeliever, would look very different to submission in a modern Christian marriage.
Military Submission vs Non-military Submission
The original language of the New Testament – Koine Greek - developed as men from all over Greece joined the army of Alexander the Great. Several Greek dialects merged to form a common Greek language that all the soldiers could understand. Koine Greek started off primarily as a language with a military purpose; however several military terms, including hupotassō, developed a non-military meaning as well keeping the initial military meaning. Thayers Bible Dictionary makes the distinction between the military and non-military usage of hupotassō. “
Hupotassō: A Greek military term meaning ‘to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader’. In non-military use, it was ‘a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden’.”
It is essential that we make the distinction between the military and non-military usage submission if we are to understand Peter and Paul’s intention when they used the word in their instructions to wives. The submission of a wife to a husband does not entail subordination to a leader as it does in a military context! It is grievous that some Christians try to apply a literal, military understanding of submission in the precious and intimate relationship of marriage.
Jesus, Our Example
Every follower of Jesus Christ, regardless of gender, race, social or church position, should endeavour to live in submissive harmony with others. Jesus exemplified this submission and humility during his earthly mission. Our aim should be to intentionally follow Christ’s example found in Philippians 2:3-8:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
But in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests
But also to the interests of others.
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who being in the very nature God,
Did not consider equality with God a thing to be grasped,
But made himself nothing,
Taking the very nature of a servant,
Being made in the likeness of man,
He humbled Himself and became obedient to death
Even death on a cross!
 Note the slightly softer passive voice in this instruction to wives in 1 Peter 3:1, compared with the other instructions to submit in 1 Peter 2:13 & 18. Paul’s letters contain many instructions to people for submission in various circumstances. His instructions for submission are not confined to wives.
 Peter uses the expression “likewise” (homoios) three times in his first letter; In 1 Peter 3:1, 1 Peter 3:7 and in 1 Peter 5:5. It is always in the context of submission (or at the very least, respect). In 1 Peter 5:5, Peter uses :likewise” (homoios) while telling the young men to be submissive to the older men.
 This is true for the more reliable Greek manuscripts, but not for the much-handled Textus Receptus.
 It is important to note that the context of Ephesians 5:21-33 is not about Christ’s leadership and authority, but about his sacrifical love and care for the Church. Nowhere in this passage are there any words which speak of authority and leadership. For this reason, it is unlikely that this pasage is asking for women to submit to “the leadership” of husbands. Moreover, as my friend MaryAnn recently pointed out, “to love your wife as your body is to love her as your equal” (Eph 5:28). [My article on Kephalē and "Male Headship" in Paul's Letters here.]
 Some Christians who support the concept of male hierarchy (Complementarians) state that all women should be submissive and responsive to all “worthy” men. (John Piper, Rediscovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood) This is a dangerous and unbiblical doctrine!
 1 Corinthians 11:3-10 is not addressing family order but addressing heretical behaviour that was adversely influencing Christian worship in the Corinthian church.
 BDAG (p 91) gives the possible translations: independent, undisciplined, disobedient and rebellious to the noun anupotaktos, which is the nominal antonym of the verb hupotassō. (A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian Literature, 3rd Edition, by Walter Bauer, revised and edited by F.W Danker, University of Chicago Press, 2000.)
 We have a lot of evidence that many upper-class women were becoming Christians in early church times, but that many of their upper-class husbands remained unbelievers. The context of Peter’s first letter shows that Peter was thinking of upper-class women with unsaved husbands when he wrote 1 Peter 3:1-6. Only upper-class women could have had the gold jewelry and the fine clothes that Peter refers to in verse 3. Peter wrote this whole letter to people experiencing slander, persecution and fear – this included the wives of unsaved husbands. Peter was trying to encourage the wives to remain faithful and courageous and live lives that would show their husbands the beauty of Christ-like spirit.
Peter, however, did not tell the wives that they were to obey their husbands. The norm in 1st century Greco-Roman society was that wives were to worship the same gods as their husbands. Peter does not tell the wives to abandon their Christian faith because of loyalty or obedience to their husbands. There are limits to wifely submission.
 One of the real reasons behind Peter and Paul’s call for wives not to be unruly, but to be submissive to their own husbands, was so that the wives would behave in a culturally appropriate way and church would not get a bad name.
I actually feel that churches who over-emphasise and even romanticise submission are giving the church a bad name in contemporary society where male primacy is considered unethical. Moreover, the oppressive and restrictive views of some men and the overly romanticised views of some women, in regard to submission, do not truly represent the freedom and equality – or the mission – of the Good News of Jesus.
Please note that I do not advocate that women stay in abusive marriages. Domestic violence is a crime in Australia. If you are in an abusive relationship, please get help now! There are many agencies that can offer worthwhile, sympathetic help. If you would like assistance in finding help in Australia, please do not hesitate to contact me, or contact your local hospital, which should have specially trained counsellors.
© 1st of November, 2009; revised 28th of September, 2010; Margaret Mowczko
(1) Submission and Respect in 1 Peter 3:1-6
(2) Submission and Respect in 1 Peter 3:7-8
Leading Together in the Home
A Suitable Helper
Double Standards in the Promotion & Practise of Submission
The Complementarian Concept of “The Created Order”
Mutuality in Marriage: 1 Corinthians Chapter 7
Bible Women with Spiritual Authority
Advice to Newlyweds
Power Struggles in Christian Marriage?
God wants women to be happy in marriage
This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 14th, 2012 at 12:01 am and is filed under Equality and Gender Issues, Equality in Marriage. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.